Stanley vs Everything
by MadnessJones
Summary: G1: Stanley is a human that was captured by the Decepticons and now finds himself trapped aboard the Nemesis as Soundwave's pet. The problem is he can't figure out if he wants freedom or just respect. Sequel to Rumble & Frenzy vs. Everything. No pairings.
1. The Care and Feeding of a Human

_Author's Notes: This fic is a sequel to my first multi-chapter comedy on this site, Rumble & Frenzy vs. Everything. I ended that fic because I was out of ideas for impotent invader jokes, but fortunately I still have ideas for alien abductee humor! I hope I have an audience for this, because sometimes I do like writing adventure comedy to break away from the more dramatic fics I usually write. A big thank you to those who clicked on this story. I hope you enjoy it, and review if you feel like it. Anyway, enough rambling. Stanley vs. Everything! :)_

* * *

Chapter 1

The Care & Feeding of a Human

This whole ordeal seemed like a surreal nightmare. Stanley was just an ordinary guy a couple months ago. To be fair, he never did have the best luck, but the past two months just seemed to prove that the universe hated him. First he got drunk and fell off the side of a cruise ship. Then he was stranded on a desert island for a month. Then he was kidnapped by two mean little Decepticons named Rumble and Frenzy, and now he was their master Soundwave's new pet. Yeah, at this point it felt like life had a personal vendetta against him.

The journey to the Nemesis had been a terrifying one. Soundwave held Stanley in his fist as he flew over the ocean for miles and miles. Stanley, having already nearly drowned once, was afraid the Decepticon would drop him into the water for a laugh. Rumble and Frenzy liked messing with him. Why would Soundwave be any different? He breathed slowly and said nothing lest he anger his new master. That was not easy considering how much Stanley liked to talk.

After what felt like an eternity, a purple spire rose from the water and opened to admit Soundwave and his passengers. Soon they were swallowed up into the building, and Stanley had to readjust his eyes to the dark interior. Even as Soundwave stood there in the hangar Stanley could feel the entire section of ship sinking back down into the ocean. His ears popped, and he swallowed hard to try to keep from complaining about his discomfort.

Soundwave exited the hangar once it had stopped moving, and soon he was walking down the halls. He passed several other Decepticons, but they all seemed content to ignore Soundwave. Stanley even noticed a couple of them eyed Soundwave warily and one even walked on the other side of the hall to avoid Soundwave. That was not a good sign. His new master was scary even by giant robot monster standards! He was so doomed.

When Soundwave finally made it to the bridge to report to Megatron, he deposited Stanley on one of the consoles before approaching the silver warlord. Stanley didn't know what this meant, but he kept quiet and didn't move. He tried to cheer himself up by at least thinking to himself that Megatron wasn't as scary as his old manager at Comcast. That old battle axe had serious issues.

"Soundwave, report!" Megatron demanded.

"Operation recovery: successful," Soundwave replied in an eerie monotone, "Rumble and Frenzy: returned. Cargo acquired: one human male. Request to keep human alive for further study."

" _Study_?" A red and silver Decepticon Stanley didn't know sneered; his voice like nails on a chalkboard, "Since when do you care about anything outside of your job? You're about as scientific as an abstract painting!"

"Status of cargo: gift from Rumble and Frenzy," Soundwave explained, "Permission to retain acquisition, Megatron."

Stanley almost laughed at how absurd this scene actually was. Soundwave, a giant robot that could kill an entire city just by knocking over the buildings, was asking his boss if he could keep his new pet. Stanley pictured Soundwave as a little boy asking his dad for a cute puppy that followed him home, and suddenly this didn't seem quite so scary.

"Normally I don't like earth germs contaminating my ship," Megatron told Soundwave, "However, since you're one of the few soldiers I can actually _trust_ around here," He pointedly glared at the red and silver mech as he said this, "Then I will allow you to have one human as your personal property. Just keep him out of anything important and don't bring in anymore of them. You may have one earth hour to get the creature settled. Dismissed."

"As you command, Lord Megatron," Soundwave replied, and then respectfully bowed before leaving with his prize.

Stanley sighed dejectedly. It had been decided. He now belonged to Soundwave. On the bright side he would live, but that was a small consolation when he thought about spending the rest of his life as a slave for an emotionless robot. Hm...maybe he should ask about sick days…

* * *

It had been a little over an hour since Soundwave had left Stanley in the berth room. He was alone, everything was too high for him to reach, and the door wouldn't open for him. In short, he was bored.

He thought about when Rumble and Frenzy first captured him. Say what you want about them, at least they knew how to have fun. This Soundwave guy seemed as stiff as a board. Stanley wasn't an adrenaline junkie or anything, but he did like to do things. Even being forced to work seemed like a better outcome than being left to rot like an old banana. When was Soundwave coming back?

As if his mind had willed it, Soundwave returned in that moment. Stanley actually jumped a little at how perfect the timing was.

 _Okay, so now he's back_. Stanley thought to himself. _Now what is he going to want me to do? Oh god, what if he probes me? I'm too young to be probed! Or maybe he'll drain my blood and rip out my guts! Oh man, what do I do!?_

"Human," Soundwave addressed Stanley.

"I gave at the office!" Stanley suddenly shouted, but then laughed nervously at how random that must have sounded.

"Human: come forward. Operation: consumption," Soundwave ordered.

"Consumption?" Stanley repeated, "Um, you can't actually eat me, right?"

Soundwave kneeled down, and Stanley cringed in fear of being squashed. Instead of killing Stanley though, Soundwave held out his hand to reveal a brown square.

"Oh, um, okay...what is that?" Stanley asked in confusion.

"Human fuel," Soundwave explained, "Operation: consumption."

"Oh. _Oh_! You mean you want me to eat that!" Stanley exclaimed in realization, "Okay, eating. That I can do!"

Stanley breathed a sigh of relief and then took the square of food out of Soundwave's palm. He sniffed it. It had no smell. He bit into it. It had no taste. It was like trying to eat one of those headache pills you're supposed to swallow. This stuff was terrible!

"Where did you get this garbage?" Stanley complained.

"Human fuel: made by Constructicons," Soundwave explained.

"Um, okay. Can I get something else?" Stanley asked hesitantly.

"Negative," Soundwave replied, "Consume human fuel, or starve."

"Yes, sir," Stanley replied miserably before taking another bite of the substance he was going to describe from then on as a brick.

Soundwave watched the human eat; his visor and face mask giving away no emotion. Stanley was a little creeped out by this, but he didn't say anything. He wondered what the Decepticon was thinking. Humans liked to watch their pets eat. Maybe robots liked to watch their pets eat too. Maybe he thought Stanley was a slob. Maybe he was thinking about robot bunnies. Stanley smiled when he thought about that one. Unfortunately, no amount of robot bunnies would make this brick taste any better.

* * *

The next day brought with it its own challenges. Stanley awoke from the cold metal floor where he slept and rubbed out the pain in his extremities. Soundwave was already up and typing away at his computer terminal. Stanley's stomach was growling at him, but he didn't want to ask Soundwave for breakfast. He knew it would just be another brick.

"Human," Soundwave called Stanley, "Today's assignment: clean berth room floor."

Soundwave then took a small bucket and sponge out of his subspace. He then gave Stanley a bottle of chemicals to put in the bucket for cleaning the floor. Stanley sighed but didn't voice a complaint. This was nothing compared to his old job as a hero sandwich delivery boy. At least here he didn't have to see naked people in open robes answering the door. Yeah, the naked ones were never pretty for some reason.

Soundwave left Stanley alone to clean the floor, and the put-upon human got to work. He might not have liked living here so far, but he knew he had to get used to it. That Decepticon was the only thing standing between him and death by Megatron's foot. He shuddered at that thought and then started scrubbing harder to drive away the fear.

He crawled under the berth since he figured the floor would be dirtiest there, and that was when he saw a beautiful sight. It was an air grate, and it was open! Stanley could escape! He didn't know where he would go, but he had to at least try.

Leaving his sponge and bucket, Stanley began to crawl. The air vents were covered in algae and rust for some reason, and it made Stanley wish he had brought the sponge so he could wash his hands. When he remembered that he was underwater and started thinking about sponges, he found himself humming the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song.

It took several minutes before Stanley found another opening. This one led directly to the bridge, and wonder of wonders, it was empty! No one was guarding the computer console, which meant if Stanley could get down there he could make a phone call. This was perfect! He could finally call for help!

Stanley gingerly lowered himself from the grate, but he was still dangling ten feet from the console. Gulping and hoping for the best, he let himself drop down and landed on the keyboard with a thump-clack-clack-clack. He breathed in and out several times, and then looked around nervously to make sure no one had heard him. They had not.

Smiling to himself, Stanley began to dial a number. Soon he would get the help he needed...

 _Ring._

 _Ring_.

"...Hello? Pizza Castle," A lady on the other end said automatically.

"Hello, Pizza Castle? I'd like to place an order for delivery," Stanley replied, "I'd like a large salami pizza with a pretzel bread crust and a 2 liter of soda. Oh, and some bread sticks! Charge it call to the credit card filed under the name Stanley Slouse."

"Okay, and what is your address?" The lady asked.

"Um, actually, I'm about 600 feet under the ocean aboard the Decepticon warship," Stanley replied sheepishly, "The Nemesis. I'll pay any extra fees for delivering underwater."

"Very funny," The lady replied irritably, "What is your _real_ address?"

"I'm not kidding!" Stanley exclaimed, "I'm really being held hostage by the Decepticons. They feed me food that tastes like drywall! Isn't there anything you can do?"

"You can order carryout," The lady suggested.

"Didn't you hear me? I'm being held against my will by giant killer robots from outer space!" Stanley shouted helplessly.

"Then why didn't you call the police?" The lady asked critically.

"Because they don't deliver pizza!" Stanley replied as if it should be obvious, "Besides, I don't know how much to tip a cop. Do you even tip a cop? Do cops deliver donuts? Help me, I'm dying over here!"

There was a _click_ on the other end indicating the pizza lady hung up. Stanley let out a frustrated groan and plopped backward on the giant keyboard. If he survived his punishment for shirking his cleaning duties he was still probably going to be eating brick food for the rest of his life. _Oh no_. What if they punished him by somehow making the food taste even worse? What if they made him eat _ten_ bricks per meal? The thought made Stanley scream!

"Hey flesh bag!" A voice from the air vent hissed, "Stop shoutin'! You're gonna wake up the whole Nemesis!"

Stanley looked up to see Frenzy crawling through the vent and staring down at him.

"Frenzy?" Stanley practically squeaked.

"I see you found our spyin' tunnel," Frenzy remarked with a sly smirk, "Grab my hand. I'll pull you up before someone sees you down there."

"Are you going to tell Soundwave about this?" Stanley asked nervously.

"Maybe. Maybe not," Frenzy replied mischievously, "Tell ya what. I'll cover for you, but you have to do somethin' for me."

"Why do I get the feeling it's dangerous?" Stanley asked pathetically.

"Because you're not as dumb as you look," Frenzy replied impishly, "Now come on! If you're caught down there when the others get back from their mission you're gonna have to be scraped off the floor with a spatula!"

Stanley gulped at the warning and then held up his arm for Frenzy to grab. He knew whatever it was Frenzy wanted was going to cost him big time, but he didn't really have a choice. It wouldn't have been so bad, except he didn't get his pizza.


	2. Walking on Eggshells

_Author's Notes: I've been meaning to post a new chapter of this for a while now, but I just haven't had the time until now. Thank you for your patience, and I hope you enjoy this chapter of Stanley vs. Everything :)_

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Chapter 2

Walking on Eggshells

The next week of living in Soundwave's quarters as his pet wasn't going so well for Stanley. If he thought eating was rough, then he had obviously forgotten about certain _other_ needs he would experience. More specifically, where to use the bathroom.

The Decepticon ship had no bathrooms, which Stanley didn't think about until he needed to go for the first time. He held it in for as long as he could, but with no way to relieve himself in a sanitary way and Soundwave not being there to take him somewhere else, Stanley resorted to going under Soundwave's berth. For the next couple days Stanley would discreetly go under Soundwave's berth, and then use the mop water to wash his hands every now and then for cleanliness.

It wasn't until two and a half days later that Soundwave noticed the putrid smell that was wafting from under his berth. When he realized what Stanley had been doing, he ordered Stanley to stop producing human bodily fluids and waste. Of course Stanley couldn't physically do that, so Soundwave had to go to the Constructicons and ask them to build him a solution.

That solution turned out to be a black steel box with a hole, just like a training potty for toddlers. When Stanley saw it he was so happy to finally have a real toilet again, but his joy was short lived. When he used it for the first time he noticed that whatever went into the toilet would disintegrate. That was fine for peeing, but he didn't want to sit on that laser toilet just in case his butt was zapped off or something! He considered continuing to use Soundwave's berth as a spot for defecation, but decided that maybe being injured by the death potty wasn't as risky as making Soundwave angry with him.

One good thing that had come from his time there was meeting Ratbat. Ratbat was kind of creepy at first with his eerie voice and habit of staring at Stanley like a hawk scoping out its prey. Stanley wasn't sure he liked living near the dusty pink cassette, but that all changed when he realized he and Ratbat shared a common hobby. As it turned out both of them enjoyed combining movie footage with inappropriately suited music and uploading it to YouTube.

On this particular day they were arranging clips from the movie 'Alien' and combining them with the tune 'Walking On Sunshine'. Stanley even made sure to have the chestburster scene and facehugger scene playing at the part of the song where it said " _And don't it feel good? Yeah! Alright now_!"

Ratbat snickered at Stanley's work, and they uploaded it to Stanley's YouTube account shortly after they finished.

"I've gotta say man, the audio quality on my videos has gotten a lot better since we started working together," Stanley told Ratbat, "So, what movie should we tackle next?"

"I was thinking mix some footage of 'Rocky' with the song 'Barbie Girl'," Ratbat replied with a mischievous glint in his optics, "This is so much better than Rumble and Frenzy's idea for a prank channel."

"Yeah, I only tried doing a YouTube prank once," Stanley admitted, "It involved dressing up like a bloody clown and going to Burger King. Turns out like 20 people had already done it. This is much easier and frankly much funnier."

"I've been meaning to ask," Ratbat suddenly grew serious as he spoke, "Well, we've never had a pet before since Soundwave doesn't really like small squishy things. Are we supposed to take you for walks or something to keep you healthy?"

Most people would probably get offended at constantly being referred to as a pet and treated like some machine's family dog, but Stanley was an easygoing guy who at this point in his life had been called worse. He was actually starting to get used to how the Decepticons viewed him. If only he could get used to the brick food and killer toilet.

"I would appreciate going outside sometimes," Stanley replied honestly, "I know that isn't a good idea, though. We're underwater, and I could drown. I'm kind of scared of water ever since the cruise ship incident...and then the second cruise ship incident. Not to mention the bath incident."

"The bath incident?" Ratbat asked; confused.

"Yesterday," Stanley said simply.

The day before Soundwave had decided that Stanley smelled bad and decided to bathe him. Stanley was mortified when Soundwave grabbed him from the floor with no warning, walked him over to a cube filled with salt water, started pulling his clothes off without telling him why, and then dropped him in the water!

Stanley felt like he was going to drown when Soundwave dunked him several times in an effort to scrub the dirt off of him! The robot said nothing as he washed the terrified human, which made the experience somehow even worse. When Soundwave was done with him he set him back down on the floor, naked, and blew hot air on him. It was awful, and Stanley was left to get himself dressed and walk back to the room with Soundwave. That certainly did not help to alleviate Syanley's fear of water.

Stanley and Ratbat were still waiting for the video to upload when they heard the door open and saw Rumble and Frenzy come in. Frenzy looked up at Stanley and smiled wickedly, and Stanley gulped; realizing it was time to repay his debt. When Frenzy had covered for Stanley's absence it was with the understanding Stanley would owe him a favor. Well, it seemed the time of repayment had come.

"Hey Ratbat!" Frenzy hollered up to his batty brother, "Fly Stanley down here! We need him to run an errand with us!"

"Errand? Since when do you two voluntarily do _anything_ around here?" Ratbat asked derisively.

"Shut up, we do plenty!" Frenzy snapped defensively.

"Yeah, and we don't have to explain ourselves to you!" Rumble added petulantly.

"It's okay Ratbat, I'll go," Stanley said diplomatically, "I owe Frenzy a favor anyway."

Ratbat knew those two hooligans were up to no good, but he also knew arguing would ultimately be pointless, so he grabbed Stanley's shoulders in his talons and quickly flew down. Stanley hated the way those sharp talons felt, but considering everyone else thought they had the right to hold him like a hamster, how could he possibly object now? Besides, he didn't want to hurt Ratbat's feelings. Ratbat was actually nice to him.

When Stanley came down Ratbat flew off to continue his work on the Internet, and Stanley was left alone with the terror twins. He was already regretting coming down judging from the glint in their visors.

"Hey Stanley, we're goin' out," Frenzy announced, "Come on, we got a cruiser ready to take us into human territory. You ride in the back."

"Wait, we're going up to the surface?" Stanley asked; unwilling to believe something good was actually happening to him, "Why?"

"We gotta do some _grocery shoppin_ '," Rumble replied slyly.

Stanley ran after them as they walked down the halls and then rode the elevator with them as they went to the upper deck where the hangar was. He didn't know what they meant by _grocery shopping_ , but he desperately hoped he could convince them to get him some fast food. At this point he'd eat anything as long as it wasn't another brick.

* * *

The ship they were traveling in was only made for one Cassetticon, but somehow all three of them had squeezed inside of the blasted thing. Stanley had part of Rumble's seat in his mouth as the Decepticon pushed it as far back as it would go. To be fair, Rumble was stuck with Frenzy in his lap, so Stanley was at least grateful he was sitting in the trunk. Still, it reminded the human a little too much of riding coach on airplanes. Or maybe that one time he was kidnapped by the mob...

They set their destination for Seattle since Stanley had once lived there and knew where most of the buildings were. He still didn't know where they were going, but he was actually starting to get excited at the idea of being among other people again. He just hoped these two didn't plan on destroying anything while they were there.

When they were finally flying over the city, Frenzy turned to Stanley and asked "Okay pal, where's the nearest place that sells eggs?"

"Eggs?" Stanley asked; utterly confused.

"Yeah wise guy, _eggs_ ," Frenzy repeated impatiently, "When we get there, you're gonna go in and grab as many cartons of eggs as you can find and meet us back at the ship. We'll shove them in our subspace for later use."

"Why would you need eggs?" Stanley asked incredulously.

"Don't ask questions, flesh bag!" Rumble snapped, and Stanley jumped at the harshness of his tone, "Just do your job or we're never takin' you anywhere again!"

"Okay, okay!" Stanley held up his hands in surrender, "Just...can I grab some food for myself as well? Soundwave doesn't know the first thing about what humans like to eat."

"Oh, he knows you hate the supplements," Rumble shrugged, "He just doesn't care."

Stanley sighed in resignation and then started directing the twins to where to dock the ship. They stopped in front of a small grocery store called Shop-N-Drop, but the S wasn't lit properly so it looked like it said hop-N-Drop.

Stanley went in and grabbed a shopping cart. This was going to be nerve wracking. He didn't have any money, and Rumble and Frenzy didn't give him any money, so he was going to have to steal the eggs. Considering the cassettes wanted _all_ the eggs in the store, this would be a tough order.

Just as he arrived at the eggs and started filling the cart, a feminine voice said "Hello Stanley. I haven't seen you in ages!"

Stanley turned around, and was surprised to see Terry, his old girlfriend and former colleague at Comcast! She was still so pretty with her poofy blonde hair and tight black dress around a slender figure. Stanley smiled instinctively, and felt happy to see her until she asked "So, what brings you back to Seattle?"

Oh, right, _now_ he remembered what he was doing.

"Oh, I'm just back on business," Stanley replied vaguely.

"Ah yes, I remember now. Always working," Terry said fondly, "I remember before Comcast you said you worked at a Taco Casa, and after you left you worked delivering hero sandwiches, and after that you moved to Vancouver to haul logs. You never were happy unless you had a purpose. By the way, I like your long beard. It's so rugged. So, what are you doing with yourself now?"

Stanley thought about how he should reply. There were a few ways to spin this story, but he would probably never see this woman again, so he might as well be honest and have fun watching her reaction to his predicament.

"I'm a house pet," Stanley replied matter-of-factly.

"Um...Does that mean you're married, or is this some kind of weird cult thing?" Terry asked; puzzled.

"No, it means I was captured by the Decepticons, you know, those robotic terrorists from another planet, and I was forced to be a pet for one of their higher-ups," Stanley explained shamelessly, "I'm actually here because I was ordered to get eggs for one of their projects. I don't know why, and at this point I don't really care. They're waiting for me outside right now. By the way, do you know which way the Gatorade and chips are? I need something to eat besides alien supplements. Ugh! It's like eating drywall! I think they're doing this to me on purpose."

Terry just looked at him with wide glazed over eyes. She thought he was insane. Why would those monstrous robots capture a nobody like Stanley? It didn't make any sense, so the logical conclusion was that he was delusional. She needed to call someone to help this poor man...

"Um, I have to go now," Terry said with a forced smile, "It was nice seeing you again, Stanley."

She walked away quickly, and Stanley chuckled to himself as he watched her go. If he recalled correctly, they broke up after she started dating Greg from tech support. It served her right. He continued to laugh to himself about it as he made his way to the bakery aisle for cupcakes and fresh bread.

He gathered the eggs (and some other supplies) and went back to the Decepticon ship undetected. Apparently the store employees were too busy looking for some nutcase who thought robots had taken over his brain, so nobody noticed Stanley leave with 45 cartons of eggs.

"Alright! You got 'em!" Rumble exclaimed jubilantly as he started stuffing the cartons in his subspace pocket, "Hey Frenzy, start pocketin' these eggs!"

"So um, if I may ask, now that I've done what you wanted, why do you want these eggs?" Stanley cautiously inquired.

"We're gonna play a prank on Skywarp," Frenzy replied while he was loading their haul into his subspace, "We owe that guy some payback for what he did to us last week in the rec room. You want in?"

"No thanks," Stanley replied, "I don't want any enemies on the Nemesis if I can help it. Just take a picture so I can see how it turns out."


	3. Funny Money

_Author's Notes: Well, I'm back to the small gag-based chapters that "Rumble & Frenzy vs Everything" was built on. Actually, this chapter feels more like it belongs in "Rumble & Frenzy vs Everything", since the cassette twins feature prominently here. Anyway, I hope this chapter is funny, and I thank everyone who is reading and following this story. You guys are great :)_

* * *

Chapter 3

Funny Money

Stanley was scrubbing the floors like he did every day and humming the tune 'Cinderelly' to himself. He was alone in the room as he often found himself these days. Soundwave understood that Stanley was too small to hurt any of his equipment so he usually let Stanley have free run of their quarters while he away tending to Decepticon business.

Stanley's monotonous work was interrupted when he heard someone coming through the air grate, and he guessed it was Rumble and Frenzy before he even saw them come through. Sadly, being Soundwave's pet meant he spent a lot of time with the mischievous twins.

"Hey, flesh bag," Frenzy greeted him in a snarky tone of voice, "You missed a spot."

"I missed a lot of spots. I'm not done yet," Stanley informed them as he rolled his eyes sarcastically, "Do you guys need something or can I get back to cleaning? I'm not in the mood to get my butt handed to me by Soundwave."

"Oh, come on! He hasn't hurt you," Rumble pointed out.

"Not yet, but I'm not taking any chances," Stanley replied as he returned to his task and scrubbed the floor.

"Ooh, someone's grumpy," Rumble taunted him, "I'm guessin' you ran outta human food in your stash and you're back to eatin' supplements."

Stanley's only reply was to growl under his breath incoherently. That was all the answer they needed though. Their little slave pet was upset at eating brick food, and the cassettes surprisingly felt kind of bad for him. After all, what if instead of high grade or even mid grade energon they were forced to drink mineral water for the rest of their lives?

"Hey, tell you what," Rumble said consolingly as he put a hand on Stanley's back, "Why don't Frenzy and I raid a food store for you, huh? We can smash the place up and bring back all kinds of goodies for you. Would that make you feel better?"

Stanley's mind immediately flashed to the news reports he used to watch of the chaos the Decepticons wrought on power plants, museums, and even small towns. They were merciless, and Stanley immediately imagined the twins throwing people onto rooftops and smashing entire aisles of groceries on their heads like in those old kung fu movies.

"Guys, you don't have to do that, really," Stanley replied nervously, "Listen, breaking into a grocery store and destroying it is illegal. You could go to jail!"

Rumble and Frenzy both gave him a flat look.

"Stanley, we're Decepticons," Rumble stated as if the man forgot, "We don't care about you puny human laws. We serve Megatron, and Megatron says it's okay to smash your stupid human buildings. So, if we wanna tear apart a food store and bring you back somethin', then we will, and you can't stop us."

"Please guys, don't do that!" Stanley wheedled, "When humans want something, we pay for it. Don't you have any money anywhere?"

"No, but it looks easy enough to make," Frenzy shrugged.

"Well, counterfeiting is illegal too, but at least you wouldn't physically hurt anyone by doing that," Stanley conceded, "Fine, just make some money and we can buy whatever you want. Food, computer parts, anything. Sky's the limit, just don't hurt anyone."

"Got'cha!" Frenzy replied as he gave a thumbs up, "Rumble and I will make the money, and you scrub the floors before Soundwave gets back. See you tonight."

With those words Rumble and Frenzy left via the same grate they used to get into the room in the first place. Stanley breathed a sigh of relief. They weren't the worst mechs in the world by any means, but Stanley was still acutely aware that they could hurt him. In fact, given their small stature and status as Soundwave's lackeys, they seemed like the most likely candidates to beat up a human for fun.

* * *

Rumble and Frenzy needed to do some research. They didn't know how humans measured their money, so they asked Swindle about it. Turns out that wasn't very helpful. He said every country printed money in different ways and with different denominations. Some measured by thousands while others measured every single digit. They mentioned Stanley was North American and would likely want North American food, and Swindle said that area usually used dollars, cents, and pesos.

The twins still didn't know which types of money would be most commonly used. They wanted to make sure no one knew it was counterfeit. Rumble watched TV commercials to see which figures were most commonly used, while Frenzy searched the Internet to find out what type of printed text or pictures would be most common on money.

"And now for only $19.95 you can get two, yes _two_ , tubes of magic toothpaste for the price of one!" Yet another infomercial said as Rumble tried not to fall into recharge.

He noticed $19.95 seemed to be the most common price, so that would make 19 the most common number of dollars and 95 the most common number of cents. Rumble stored this information in his processor and went to check on Frenzy's progress.

"So, how's it goin'?" Rumble asked his brother.

"Human rulers seem to be the most common subject to print on money," Frenzy stated, "So, we need to print money with America's favorite ruler on it. I did some research, and Christopher Columbus was the first guy to invade this country. So, we should print money with Christopher Columbus on it. I also noticed that they print text around the edges of coins, but the font is so small I can't tell what each one is supposed to say. Eh, we'll work around it. Point is, Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean for $14.92, so he got a good deal."

"Not bad," Rumble congratulated his brother, "Okay, so I figured out the most common numbers, and you have the most popular ruler. So, all we need to do is get printin'."

* * *

Stanley was asleep on his overstuffed beanbag chair that Soundwave had gotten for him to use as a bed when he was awakened by the rattling of the vents again. He groaned and wondered what it would take to get a restraining order against Rumble and Frenzy.

"Psst! Hey, squishie!" Frenzy hissed in Stanley's ear, "We got somethin' to show you!"

Rumble then turned on a light and showed Stanley the counterfeit money they had made.

"Ain't this stuff beautiful?" Rumble bragged, "At this rate we can just buy the whole stinkin' planet."

Stanley took a look at the money through blurry eyes, but then did a double take when he realized what he was looking at. The twins had printed 19 dollar bills and 95 cent coins with Christopher Columbus's face on the front! The tiny text on the coins and even the bills said _gimme ur stuff_. To make matters worse, Stanley turned each item around to see the back and…

"Seriously?" Stanley deadpanned, "You wing nuts put Megatron's face on the back?"

"Yep, and we can't wait to spend it," Rumble replied unabashedly.

"You know, in a weird way, this is kind of brilliant," Stanley said after a minute to think about it, "If a Decepticon hands you money with Megatron's picture on it, it would be suicide to refuse to take it. I think you guys have figured out how to beat the system without throwing a single punch. Good job, fellas."

"You want some to keep for yourself?" Frenzy asked eagerly, "It might be worth somethin' someday…"

"Well, it's sure not worth anything _now_ ," Stanley chuckled, "Sure, I'll take it. Who knows? Maybe if I save up enough I can buy my way out of here."

All three of them laughed at that one as Stanley placed a few dollars and coins under his beanbag bed. If nothing else, he just hoped that this funny money would convince some kindly cashier to give the twins some food. At this point he'd rather eat the fake money than another brick.


	4. World's Funniest Pets

_Author's Notes: I don't know why, but I felt like writing a short sketch for Stanley vs. Everything today. I hope you guys enjoy it. It's just a bit of humor :)_

* * *

Chapter 4

World's Funniest Pets

Laserbeak and Buzzsaw were two of the best spies Megatron had in his army. They could blend into their environment and silently stalk and record their prey. A stray video feed from Laserbeak or Buzzsaw could ensure an enemy's execution or grant the Decepticons the key to victory. Yes, they were really that good.

On this day, however, the avian cassette twins were using their mighty spy powers to go unnoticed in the Stunticons' common room so they could watch TV on Wildrider's new big screen television.

The Stunticons fought over the Cybertronian-sized remote control, and the birds grew more and more annoyed that they had to remain silent.

"Just pick a show, _any_ show!" Laserbeak hissed quietly.

"Shh! I think they finally settled on something!" Buzzsaw shushed his brother.

The TV show they settled on was a video clip show hosted by a human with greasy hair and more teeth than Grimlock. Laserbeak and Buzzsaw smiled at one another in satisfaction. Since they had made a career out of video clips it was an art form they could really sink their proverbial teeth into. They settled in like two organic birds in a nest and watched the show from the top of a shelf near the ceiling the Stunticons never used.

"And welcome back to World's Funniest Pets!" The cheerful human host announced on the big screen, "Today we have a terrier carrier, a mouse in da house, and two furry felines who ferociously fight over finery! But first, the world's best bovine babysitter!"

Laserbeak and Buzzsaw then watched clips involving a human baby riding a cow, two cats batting at each other's paws over a shiny ball, a small dog riding a skateboard while lying on its stomach, and a human shrieking when a mouse popped up out of her bag of flour.

There was a marathon of this show on, and the Stunticons never bothered to change the channel, so the bird twins watched several episodes. They noted that contestants not only got their videos shown in front of millions of adoring fans, but also won prizes such as exotic trips, money, a lifetime supply of pet food, and tote bags.

"Maybe we should enter this contest," Laserbeak suggested to Buzzsaw, "We have a pet now, and Stanley does funny things all the time. All we have to do is film him until he does something worthy of appearing on the show to win prizes."

Buzzsaw shrugged his wings and said, "Eh, why not? I could use a tote bag."

With that flimsy bit of planning the cassette birds had decided. They were going to try to make Stanley a star.

* * *

In retrospect, the cassette birds might not have thought this through. For two days they secretly followed Stanley around to try to catch him doing something cute or funny, but all they had seen him do so far is work, eat, sleep, and wash himself off with dirty mop water to keep from being bathed by Soundwave. That last one was mildly amusing, but not quite funny enough for World's Funniest Pets.

Laserbeak returned from a scouting mission to see Buzzsaw still at his post on a rafter in the ceiling recording Stanley's every move.

"So, did you get anything useful?"Buzzsaw asked Laserbeak.

"Yes, the Autobot Wheeljack is working on a new invention," Laserbeak replied, "Did you get any good footage of Stanley?"

"No," Buzzsaw replied dejectedly, "All he's done so far is scrub the floor and scratch his beard. I can't just stay in the shadows anymore! That oblivious premadonna needs a director!"

"Wait, no! What are you _doing_?" Laserbeak called out, but Buzzsaw was already flying straight down toward Stanley.

Stanley, meanwhile, was minding his own business doing his chores for Soundwave when he noticed a large shadow coming closer to his location. He screamed, fearing it was a foot coming to squish him! He looked up, and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw it was just Buzzsaw.

"Hey buddy, you need anything?" Stanley asked Buzzsaw in a friendly manner.

"Yes. Do something funny, _now_!" Buzzsaw demanded.

"Uh...what?" Stanley asked in utter confusion.

"You heard me squishy! Do something funny!" Buzzsaw squawked, "Fall over, chase your tail, just do something!"

"I don't have a tail," Stanley pointed out in a simpering voice, "What is this all about?"

"Ugh, I bet dog people don't get asked this many questions!" Buzzsaw growled, "Just be funny! Maybe you could bark at the mailman."

"We don't get mail down here," Stanley whined, "I can't even get a pizza delivered! Look, if you want me to entertain you I can tell you a story or something. I know some real scary ones about my ex-girlfriend Michelle."

"Stories are long and intellectual," Buzzsaw complained, "I need humor! Well, at the very least do you think you can be cute?"

"No way! I'm not falling for that again!" Stanley snapped, "Ratbat asked me the same thing last week! Turns out he wanted to post me on YouTube after watching a funny cat compilation video!"

/He's onto us! Abort!/ Laserbeak panicked over the comm.

/No way!/ Buzzsaw snapped, and then in frustration said to Stanley, "Look you, we give you food, shelter, and protection from other Decepticons that would use you for target practice! The least you can do is perform when we tell you to! Now, I'm shooting a video clip for World's Funniest Pets, and you are going to shut up and _be funny_!"

"Um, Buzzsaw? I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you can't use me for that sort of video," Stanley replied in a cautious tone of voice.

"Let me guess, you feel it's undignified," Buzzsaw said mockingly.

"No, it's just that humans can't be entered into that contest," Stanley clarified, "Legally a human can't be considered a pet on planet earth. Sorry."

Buzzsaw looked back at Laserbeak, and Stanley wondered how they might react to his bad news. After a few seconds the birds nodded to each other, and then Laserbeak said "Get him."

Stanley was a quick enough thinker to know he needed to run. The birds swooped after him as he ran under the bed! He ran into the grate, and before they could catch him he quickly shut the grate door on their beaks, and then made a break for it through the long air vents!

After running for ten minutes he saw an opening and jumped down in a shadowy corridor. Then he saw that there was a hallway that led to the escape pods. This was perfect! He could use those to escape the Decepticons and be free on dry land once more!

Stanley ran to the pods, but before he could get there he smacked straight into an invisible force! He felt like his face was smashed against glass, but there was no glass. He backed up, got a running start, and tried once more to run through the hall only to be smashed into the force field again!

He searched the area for what the problem might be. He finally found a small sign in the corner of the hall, and it was written in English; much to his relief. When he read the words on the sign, however, he groaned in frustration and woe.

THIS AREA IS PROTECTED BY THE SHOCKWAVE PATENTED PLOT DEVICE. NO EXIT BEYOND THIS POINT. THAT MEANS YOU, STANLEY.


	5. Cleanliness Is Next To Impossible

_Author's Notes: Wow! It has been forever since I last worked on this fic! I guess that's not too surprising. I have to be in a certain mood to work on pure comedy, and even today I'm not sure I got it right. I should probably thank **Little Kunai** , who left some lovely reviews on "Rumble & Frenzy vs. Everything" and thus made me want to work on this again. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, and please review :)_

* * *

Chapter 5

Cleanliness Is Next To Impossible

Soundwave sat at his desk doing paperwork (in a manner of speaking) on his data pad. Stanley had been placed on the desk by Soundwave two hours prior and had been forced to sit there and watch the world's most boring robot do the world's most boring thing while sitting as still as possible. Soundwave saw it as a way to bond with his pet. Stanley saw it as a punishment for daring to hate boredom.

The man picked at his long beard and scratched his head. He fidgeted and tried to stay still so that Soundwave wouldn't get upset, but it was so hard when all the blue and white Decepticon did was write down reports and other junk like that. Soundwave's stylus didn't even make a scribbling sound! To Stanley this felt like torture, and for a moment he wondered if the Decepticon actually was testing some new form of interrogation on him. Maybe if he told Soundwave something incriminating he could get a TV or something.

After several minutes of kicking and scratching Stanley elicited the unwanted attention of his master, and smiled sheepishly as Soundwave looked down at him with an unreadable face plate. He suddenly regretted internally complaining about being ignored.

"Query: Reason for erratic behavior?" Soundwave asked.

"Huh? Who's erratic? I'm not erratic!" Stanley chuckled feebly in an effort to get the big mech to stop staring at him, "Everything's fine. Go back to work. I'm fine. Really."

Soundwave cocked his helm in thought, and Stanley squirmed under the scrutiny. Stanley considered chewing on his own hair to calm himself down, but thought better of it in case Soundwave didn't like that.

Soundwave, meanwhile, was looking up data on humans to try to determine why Stanley wasn't happy with sitting around doing nothing all day. It seemed that laziness was both considered a vice yet a life goal for humans, which was a strange contradiction. As Soundwave researched, however, he noticed something odd about most of the human males in the stock photos he was finding. They all had short hair on their heads and no hair on their faces. Stanley, meanwhile, looked like he was being buried alive in his own beard.

"Stanley: Remove hair follicles," Soundwave ordered.

"Um, excuse me?" Stanley asked in confusion.

"Remove hair now," Soundwave ordered more insistently.

Stanley gulped nervously before saying "I'm sorry sir, but I can't. I'd have to go to a barber shop or something if I wanted a haircut. Don't get me wrong, it sounds great, but I don't really think the Decepticons can cut my hair without also cutting off my head. I hope you understand."

"Understood," Soundwave replied agreeably, "Laserbeak, Buzzsaw: eject."

The cassette birds flew out of the tape deck and landed right next to Stanley, who feared they were going to try to pull his hair out with their razor sharp beaks. He instinctively covered his head with his hands and backed up a few paces until he was on the edge of the desk.

"What do you need, Boss?" Laserbeak asked dutifully.

"Operation: Groom Stanley," Soundwave ordered before returning to his paperwork.

The two birds stared at Stanley with their sharp red optics, and he whimpered involuntarily as he tried to think of a way out of this.

"Groom him?" Buzzsaw asked Laserbeak quietly, "Can't humans groom themselves?"

Stanley saw this as his opportunity to not get scalped, so he replied with "Actually, Soundwave wants you to take me to a barber to get a haircut and my beard shaved. I don't care if you insist on watching me the entire time, just please don't try to cut my hair yourselves."

"You make the appointment," Buzzsaw ordered Laserbeak, "I don't like talking to those fleshy wind bags."

"Fine, just be quiet so I can use my comm in peace," Laserbeak replied longsufferingly.

After a few minutes Laserbeak had an appointment for Stanley to get his hair done. Stanley, despite his misgivings, was actually looking forward to this. Not only was it another chance to be on the surface world with other humans again, but he hadn't had his hair trimmed since he was shipwrecked a month before he met Rumble and Frenzy. He just hoped nobody felt too threatened by the cassette birds. Then again, how scary was a bird really?

* * *

When the next day came Stanley and the bird twins took the small hover pod up to the surface and flew to a suburb near Sacramento, California. Stanley loved looking out the window at the trees, the buildings, and the people. Stanley was never much of a people person, but he truly did miss seeing non-mechanical life. He was also secretly relieved that everything was still there given how the Decepticons were trying to take over the world. He half-expected torn down buildings and cars with teeth like in _Mad Max_.

"Now you better behave for the groomer," Laserbeak admonished Stanley, "I don't want to have to tell Soundwave you were being a bad boy."

"Oh come on, I'm not a child!" Stanley whined.

"No, you're an accessory," Buzzsaw remarked teasingly, "Honestly I don't even know why Soundwave keeps you around. I mean sure, _we_ like you, but I don't think Soundwave cares all that much what happens to you."

"Oh you know good and well why Soundwave keeps Stanley," Laserbeak preened, "It's because he was a gift from those little brats Rumble and Frenzy. Nobody says it, but it's clear they're the favorites."

"I thought Ravage was the favorite," Buzzsaw replied with a shrug of his wings.

"Well whoever it is it's not us," Laserbeak replied dejectedly, "Oh, here we are!"

Stanley looked down at the building as they drew closer to the ground and parked. He was horrified, however, by what he saw.

"Cici's Pet Groomer!?" Stanley exclaimed in shock, "I thought we were going to a barber!"

"What's the difference?" Buzzsaw asked, "Either way you get your haircut."

"Besides," Laserbeak added, "This place knows how to deal with even the fussiest of animals according to their commercials."

Stanley wanted to protest on behalf of his dignity, but then sighed when he realized he gave that up months ago. He belonged to a giant robot, he ate food that tasted like drywall, he used a laser potty that looked like it was made for a toddler, and he was being driven to the groomer's by a pair of talking birds. At this point he wouldn't be surprised if they taunted him by saying 'Stanny wanna cracker?'.

The trio went inside, and immediately dogs started barking at them and people gasped at seeing two Decepticons enter the facility. Stanley groaned and buried his hairy face in his hands. He just wanted this to be over.

"Can I help you?" A woman was finally brave enough to ask when it became clear the birds weren't leaving.

"We set up an appointment yesterday for our Stanley," Laserbeak explained.

"Oh yeah, I recognize your voice from the phone," The woman recalled, though was still confused, "So, um, where's your pet?"

"Right here," Laserbeak used her beak to point to Stanley.

"Him?" The woman asked incredulously, "You brought a grown man to a groomer? Why didn't you just take him to a barber shop?"

"That's what I told them!" Stanley exclaimed in vindication.

"Shut up, Stanley," Buzzsaw warned, "Look, can you give him a trim or not?"

"Do I have a choice?" The woman asked wryly, "Alright fine. Sit down over here, buddy. Let's see what we can do."

Stanley complied with the order and sat down on a cushion normally reserved for large dogs. The woman took a look at Stanley's unkempt hair and beard and made a face normally reserved for dirty diapers or roadkill skunks.

"Boy, what happened to you?" She finally exclaimed, "What is this white stuff in your hair? Did a building fall on you?"

Stanley pulled some of the stuff out of his beard to see what she was talking about.

"Oh yeah, that's supposed to be food," Stanley replied, "Well, sort of. It's what Decepticons think food is. Personally I just call it brick food."

"Mm, mm, mm," The woman shook her head sympathetically, "Why they holding you hostage anyway? You some kind of rocket scientist?"

"No, I'm just a pet," Stanley admitted defeatedly, "I belong to Soundwave. You probably recognize him from TV. He's the blue and white Decepticon that sticks to Megatron like a second shadow."

"Yeah, I think I know which one that is," The woman replied as she started lathering dog shampoo through Stanley's hair, "He tried to turn people in New York City into a zombie army using a dance club or something. Weird stuff right there. Weird stuff. You try calling the Autobots for help?"

"Help with what? I'm not in danger," Stanley told her, "Look, I know this isn't the best gig in the world, but the truth is I'm not completely against the idea of being a pet for an alien species. It's job security. I'll never be homeless, I'll never starve, and I don't have to pretend to be friendly when someone's fries are cold. Seriously, they only stay warm for 10 minutes! If it takes you longer than that to get your food then that isn't my fault!"

"So you actually _want_ to be a house pet?" The woman asked disbelievingly, "I'm pretty sure that's treason."

"It's not treason. It's just looking out for my own skin," Stanley argued, "I know it's weird what I'm doing, but look at it this way. Giant robots are slowly taking over the world. If the Autobots and Decepticons haven't been able to stop each other for millions of years, then why would I think they'll solve this dispute within the next few months? Like it or not they're here to stay, and by letting Soundwave adopt me I ensure that I don't get on anybody's bad side. If the Autobots liberate me someday I'll just play dumb and say I had no choice. If the Decepticons win then I'm already set for life. Either way it'll all work out."

"Or your Decepticon buddies will get bored and step on you," The woman pointed out.

Stanley slumped in his seat, unable to argue with that. He suffered through the burning pet shampoo, sheers that still had bits of poodle and Persian fur in them, and the other patrons giving him funny looks when they saw a human getting shaved at the dog groomer. Laserbeak and Buzzsaw had left to go sightseeing, and Stanley was glad they did so he didn't have to explain to anyone else what was going on. He sometimes forgot just how ridiculous his situation was, but every time he did there always seemed to be a grocery cart filled with eggs or a woman shaving him with doggie sheers to remind him.


	6. Hot Box

_Author's Notes: First of all to my frequent readers, sorry I've been gone so long. My time management skills are terrible, but I promise I'm not dead yet. Second, for those of you that have seen my fanfiction gallery, you might recognize the title of this chapter. I don't know why I chose it, but it seemed to fit. This is just a short skit that I hope is funny. Thank you for reading "Stanley vs. Everything", and I hope to read a review from you :)_

* * *

Chapter 6

Hot Box

Soundwave was cleaning his quarters with a high powered suction device (vacuum cleaner) and listening to some of his favorite harmonic sounds from Cybertron (music). It was a peaceful day with little that needed to be attended to for Megatron, so it seemed like a good day to get some cleaning done.

His minions were cleaning up other parts of his room. Laserbeak and Buzzsaw were dusting the ceiling, Rumble and Frenzy were wiping down the berth, Ravage was wiping the dust away from the furniture, and Ratbat was erasing from his tapes all recorded evidence of Decepticon plans that the Autobots might find useful.

The sound of Polyhexian music and the whir of his suction device lulled Soundwave into a peaceful state of non-thought. It was unusual for Soundwave to find a moment where he could just stop thinking because Megatron relied on Soundwave's mind as much as his weaponry. To just do nothing but mundane physical activity was a nice change for him.

His peaceful thoughts were interrupted however when Rumble and Frenzy jumped in front of his vacuum and started waving their arms back and forth frantically. He couldn't hear what they were shouting, so he shut off the suction device and music.

"Rumble, Frenzy: explain," Soundwave requested calmly.

"YOU WERE GONNA SUCK UP STANLEY!" They shouted in unison.

Soundwave looked down into the corner of his desk and sure enough, Stanley was cowering under Soundwave's desk hanging onto one of the desk's legs for dear life. He was shaking like a nervous chihuahua, which at this point seemed like a perfect way to describe his general existence.

"I'm finished with my chores, Soundwave," Ravage announced proudly, though Soundwave was barely listening.

Soundwave felt guilty that he had nearly killed his pet human, but at the same time he needed to clean his quarters. He could place Stanley on the desk, but Ravage had just cleaned there and Stanley was still dusty. He needed a place to put Stanley until he could get around to properly cleaning him.

"Soundwave, I'm tired," Ravage complained, "Can I go back in the tape deck now?"

"Yeah, me too!" Frenzy whined, "My transistors hurt, and I think I got berth gunk in my elbow joints! _Please_?"

That was when Soundwave realized he could kill two turbo rats with one trap. He opened his tape deck obligingly, and Ravage and Frenzy transformed into their cassette modes and flew inside. Instead of closing the tape deck however, Soundwave picked up Stanley to put him inside.

"Hey, wait! What are you doing?" Stanley yelled as he struggled in Soundwave's grip.

"Stanley: enter," Soundwave ordered, "You will be released when all chores are completed."

"Wait, is this even _safe_?" Stanley asked worriedly.

Soundwave paid him no heed, however, and simply shoved the human inside and closed the tape deck compartment.

Stanley took a moment to realize what had happened, and another moment to get his bearings. The tape deck was dark, but not nearly as small as it looked from the outside. It was like being inside a car. There was enough room to move a little but not enough to stand up. He saw that there were slots just beyond where he was sitting for the cassettes, and two black cassettes currently occupied the space; Ravage and Frenzy.

"Hey, Stanley," Frenzy called out jovially, "Sorry you almost got sucked into a turbine of death a few minutes ago. You can relax now though, the tape deck is the safest place in the universe."

"It's a lot warmer in here than I expected," Stanley commented.

"That's because we're close to Soundwave's spark," Ravage explained, "The pure energy from the spark warms the entire space. It is comforting, isn't it?"

"Actually it's kind of hot in here," Stanley replied as he fanned his face with his hand, "And there isn't a lot of room to move. How do I get Soundwave to open the door?"

"You can't," Frenzy replied, "He only lets us out when he needs us to do stuff. Think of it like opening a junk drawer to find the one useful thing inside. As long as he doesn't need us, we're stuck in here. So just sit back, relax, and enjoy the warmth and darkness."

For a moment there was silence. The tapes didn't say anything else, and Stanley didn't say anything else. He tried to relax, but he found himself fidgeting. He didn't think he was claustrophobic, but then again he'd never been shut up inside a robot's chest and told it might be days or even weeks before he was let out before. Not to mention it was so hot. His face, back, and armpits were already sweating. Finally, Stanley had had enough.

" _Let me out of here!_ " Stanley screamed as he started using both legs to kick the tape deck door, "Let me out! Soundwave, let me out! I can't breathe! It smells like the Wal-Mart parking lot in here! Come on, man! Open up!"

He continued to kick and bang on the door with all his might. Ravage and Frenzy tried to tell him to stop kicking at the door, but Stanley was in full panic mode and couldn't hear them trying to calm him down.

Soundwave could feel the kicking too. At first he ignored it and continued with his vacuuming, but then he felt a slight crack in the glass of his tape deck, and soon he realized this was a bigger problem than he thought.

The door cracked open with a crash, and Stanley hung his legs out of the freshly made hole in relief. The other minicons looked at the scene with wide optics, and at first Soundwave didn't do anything but stand there immobile. Stanley finally retracted his legs, and realized that he was probably in big trouble for breaking part of his master's body.

"Stanley...look at what you did," Rumble muttered softly; unable to believe what he was seeing, "You just broke the tape deck door. Oh, no... Everybody stop starin'! Nothin' to see here! Move along!"

Ratbat flew up and grabbed Stanley in his talons by the fabric of his shirt, and Frenzy and Ravage transformed and left the tape deck. Soundwave finally regained his senses and covered his exposed tape deck with his arms. Stanley looked up and saw that Soundwave didn't look angry at him, but rather mortified. _Uh oh_ , that might be worse.

"We've gotta get a new door for Soundwave," Laserbeak declared.

"Hook can't make a new door unless Soundwave is present," Buzzsaw pointed out, "He can't go out there looking like that. It'll ruin his imposing image. We have to think of another plan."

"Um, we could cover the open tape deck with toilet paper," Stanley suggested, "I got some on our last trip into town. I'm gonna want it back when you're done though."

"That's a stupid idea!" Rumble complained.

"It's all we've got," Laserbeak pointed out.

"Oh alright fine, but it's still stupid," Rumble acquiesced.

The cassettes then set to work gathering toilet paper from under the berth where Stanley kept his stuff, and then the bird twins wrapped the thin flimsy material over the open area over and over again until it was completely covered. Soundwave didn't move while they performed this task, but he was silently hoping this stuff would hold and no one outside this room would see his exposed chest compartment.

"There, finished!" Frenzy declared in triumph, "Okay Boss, so all we gotta do is get you to Hook so he can measure you for a new door. It'll be quick and easy. We're all here for you, big guy."

"Yeah, and I'm really sorry for breaking the door," Stanley added sheepishly, "I was just feeling trapped, and humans don't do well when we're trapped in enclosed spaces. No hard feelings, sir?"

Soundwave merely looked down at him with his unreadable red visor, but Stanley got the distinct feeling Soundwave was glaring at him. Stanley gulped and tugged at his collar before following the Decepticons out of the room and into the hall.

Soundwave moved with surprising care and silence, and the cassettes did the same thing. Stanley knew the little monsters were spies, but he often forgot that Soundwave was also a spy and therefore also good at going places undetected. He just hoped his master didn't decide to flush him down the drain like a dead goldfish for this one. He was too young and pretty to die, at least in his own opinion.

They didn't meet anyone going down the halls at first, but then Soundwave turned a corner and stopped when he heard the sounds of wads and wads of toilet paper ripping as it got snagged on a piece of warped purple metal. The covering fell to the floor, leaving Soundwave's tape deck open and also leaving a white papery mess on the ground. Soundwave covered the hole with his arms again and then looked both ways to make sure no one was coming down the halls. Assured that no one was there, Soundwave continued to walk with his minions and reluctant pet in tow.

Stanley was beginning to see a familiar pattern in Soundwave's behavior that he never would've thought could be there. Soundwave acted exactly the way Stanley acted that one time in high school when the jocks stole his clothes from the shower and he had to walk to the girl's bathroom to get them back. In other words, Soundwave treated this supposed injury like nudity. The thought made Stanley snicker to himself, but one mean look from Ravage made him stop.

As Soundwave was almost to the medbay he saw the doors whoosh open, and not wanting to be caught in such a compromised condition he quickly grabbed the first thing he could find to cover himself; a steel crate.

Starscream and his trine came strutting out of the medbay chatting among themselves and generally ignoring the world around them. The weld on Skywarp's wing indicated he was the one that had needed repairs. Starscream stopped walking and talking however when he saw Soundwave and the cassettes.

"Hello Soundwave," Starscream greeted in a deceptively pleasant tone of voice, "What's with the crate?"

"Operation: restocking supplies for medbay," Soundwave lied smoothly.

"That's cool," Skywarp said with a wide grin, "Except that your crate has no bottom."

The cassettes' and Stanley's optics and eyes went wide as they realized what he meant. Soundwave was holding the crate in such a way that did absolutely nothing to hide his disrepair. The frozen look of Soundwave's face and mask said more than words ever could, and it caused the trine to burst out laughing.

As they walked away from the cassettes and Soundwave, Starscream got in one last barb by shouting "By the way, nice slots! Hahahaha!"

Soundwave slowly put the hollow crate back down and walked into the medbay; holding himself up high despite the indignity. The cassettes followed him and Stanley followed them, but he really didn't want to. He knew he was in trouble for this.

The repairs went quickly and soon Soundwave was back to normal. Stanley thankfully didn't get flushed down the drain, but he also never got his toilet paper back. He never learned what happened to it, and he was too afraid to ask.


	7. Insecticons

_Author's Notes: Hi everyone! I decided to write a chapter for this lovely little mess of a fic since I wanted to work on something lighthearted. I know I haven't had as much time to write lately, but I'm going to try to get back into a stable groove to give you guys regular updates of my various fics. This one is still just a side project, but it's a good one to go back to when I think of proper jokes and scenarios for it. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoy this chapter of "Stanley vs. Everything" :)_

* * *

Chapter 7

Insecticons

Stanley didn't know how long he had been a prisoner of the Decepticons since he had lost all track of time after the first couple weeks. He could've been there for weeks, months, maybe even a year. He didn't know. All he did know was that he was starting to become intimately familiar with the Decepticon inner circle, and he disliked most of them.

Megatron still scared Stanley, but he felt a little better knowing that Soundwave was Megatron's favorite and therefore he would likely indulge the communications officer and not kill his human pet. Starscream's voice was sheer torture and for some reason Stanley got the impression that the SIC didn't like him very much. Hook was a good medic and Thundercracker left him alone. Skywarp could not be trusted, since he was pretty much a giant winged version of Rumble.

Stanley had a mental list of everyone that lived on board the Nemesis and which ones to avoid. Truth be told it was safest to avoid most of them. Stanley spent most of his time either doing Soundwave's chores or hanging out with the Cassetticons. It was stressful for the lanky brown haired man every time he left the safety of Soundwave's room, but on the bright side this was the longest time he had ever held down the same job. In a weird way his alien imprisonment could be seen as an accomplishment.

"I say it's Menasor!" Frenzy was yelling at Rumble from Soundwave's berth while Stanley listened from under it.

"And I say it's Bruticus!" Rumble shouted back crossly.

Stanley had been listening to this argument for nearly 20 minutes and he still didn't know what they were talking about. He didn't ask though because he didn't want to be forced to choose a side. That always ended with the one he didn't pick getting huffy, and then he'd have to spend even more time trying to apologize for whoever's feelings he hurt.

"Hey Stanley!" Oh, shoot! Frenzy was calling him.

"Yeah, what is it?" Stanley asked; not bothering to crawl out from under the berth.

"Which combiner do you think has the coolest combined form, Menasor or Bruticus?" Frenzy inquired; his tone indicating that an answer must be given.

"Well, The Stunticons tried to run me over, but the Combaticons tricked me into thinking they'd let me escape when they in reality just left me stranded on a sandbar for an hour," Stanley reasoned out loud, and the twins looked at each other wondering what that had to do with anything, "Hm...Bruticus has that retro cyberpunk look, but Menasor has a more blood knight appearance and a cool sword. Yeah, I don't really know. I'm gonna have to say Soundwave is the coolest combiner."

"What!? The boss doesn't combine!" Rumble exclaimed in disbelief at Stanley's idiocy.

"Sure he does," Stanley countered in a casual tone of voice, "When all of you guys are inside of his chest, you're combined. When he lets you out, you're separated. Therefore, Soundwave is my favorite combiner."

"That's stupid!" Rumble retorted, "We don't turn into body parts. We're talkin' about _real_ combiners. Who would you pick then? Huh?"

"Devastator, duh," Stanley rolled his eyes, and then cringed when they jumped down from the berth and crawled under there with him.

"Don't _duh_ us!" Frenzy snapped huffily.

"Sorry guys," Stanley replied with less fear than he used to but a still healthy caution, "I just like Devastator best. Admittedly their colors are a little silly, but Hook, Scavenger, and Long Haul are all nice to me when I come in for my check-up. I trust them more than those other guys, so I have to pick them if I can't pick Soundwave. Hope you understand, guys."

"Devastator looks stupid," Rumble pouted, "I still say Bruticus looks cooler."

"No way! Menasor has him beat hands down!" Frenzy countered, which started the whole fight over again.

Stanley, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire should blows be exchanged, used the recently installed human-sized doggie door to leave the room and explore the ship some more. Soundwave had put it in once he realized humans couldn't breathe underwater and therefore Stanley had no means of escape. That reminder was a bummer, but at least Stanley could have a little more freedom in his underwater home.

Stanley stopped in the hallway at that thought, only just realizing how easily he now called this sunken spacecraft home. It was disconcerting, and he wondered if he was being brainwashed into accepting his fate. Then again, Soundwave wasn't a bad alien overlord as far as alien overlords were concerned. The cassettes, while annoying at times, also treated him fairly well. He still feared most of the other Decepticons, but as long as he avoided the ones that hated him he would be fine. After thinking about it, he realized he really had become conditioned to living in this place and didn't actually want to leave anymore.

With nothing better to do, he decided to explore and see what he could see. As Stanley walked around he kept close to the wall since it would greatly decrease the chances of getting stepped on. Getting from one side of the hallway to the other took longer than it should have since everything was made to be Cybertronian-sized. Stanley always felt so tiny living on board the Nemesis, so he was grateful six of his roommates were the Casseticons. They were human-sized, so that always made him feel a little better about his smallness.

As he approached an intersection Stanley was suddenly confronted with three pairs of robotic legs, and he looked up to see which Decepticons he had crossed paths with. That would tell him whether or not to run.

"What is this this?" An unfamiliar shrill voice asked as the purple and grey mech looked down at Stanley.

Unfortunately for Stanley, he didn't recognize any of these mechs. The one that spoke had large pincers jutting out of his back, one had a cannon on his helm and a face mask, and one had antennae and wings on his shoulder guards. These guys looked weird even by alien robot standards, and they were giving him a predatory look that was definitely not welcome.

"It looks like a human," The masked robot observed, his large red visor glowing in a way that really creeped Stanley out.

"It looks like _a snack_ ," The antennaed one clarified for his fellows.

" _Ah_!" Stanley yelped before running away from the unknown Decepticons.

They tried to give chase, but crashed into each other (twice) before being able to start running after their prey.

Stanley couldn't believe this. There were Decepticons that ate humans? _Ate_ them? That was insane, and now even if Stanley survived he knew he would probably never sleep again. He ran down the halls trying to get back to his man-sized doggie door and in to his comfy spot under Soundwave's berth. If he made it out of this he swore to himself he would treat Soundwave and the cassettes better. Maybe learn how to convincingly play dead or something. Oh, he should _not_ have thought about playing dead with a trio of flesh eating monsters on his tail.

Stanley turned down the hallway where the crew quarters were located, but just as he was past the first door he felt himself being lifted up by the shirt collar! His neck and armpits hurt from the weight of his body on the cloth of his shirt, and he knew that he was about to be a chicken dinner for at least one of these aliens. He dared to look back to see which one had him, and of course it was antennae boy.

"Hey Shrapnel, Bombshell! I got him!" Kickback announced proudly, "I want his legs!"

"Give me his head head," Shrapnel demanded.

"Wait a moment," Bombshell ordered, "We should look to see if there are other humans hiding on the ship. You know Megatron never has been good at handling _infestations_."

The Insecticons laughed at what Stanley assumed was some sort of inside joke. He had a moment to think, and he needed to come up with a way to get these guys to not eat him. He would try his first and best defense; name dropping.

"You don't wanna eat me," Stanley told the Insecticons, "I'm Soundwave's pet. Do you really want to upset _Soundwave_?"

"Who cares?" Bombshell scoffed, and Stanley felt his heart sink.

Okay, so saying 'Do you know who my master is?' didn't work. He needed a new plan, but his mind was drawing a blank. It was so hard to think when a giant grasshopper robot was holding him up by the scruff of his shirt like a kitten (if bugs ate kittens).

"My scanners don't detect anymore humans humans," Shrapnel informed them, "Looks like we'll have to share this one this one."

"Fine. Any last requests, human?" Bombshell asked menacingly.

Stanley knew this could he his chance. If he requested something clever he could escape the evil death bugs. Unfortunately, Stanley was Stanley, and since he thought he was going to die he couldn't resist one last chance to eat something besides brick food.

"Um, well sirs, before I die, I would like to request a trip to Taco Bell," Stanley replied, and then realized that was a stupid idea.

"What's Taco Bell?" Kickback asked as he held the human closer to his face.

"Um, it's a fast food restaurant," Stanley replied nervously, "Please, I just want one last meal that doesn't taste like toenails. It's been forever since I've been to Taco Bell, and I love their quesadillas. They also have really good nachos, and burritos, and apple pies. They call them empanadas but it's really just apple pies. They also have these things called churros, but I just call them cinnamon fries. I think they would sell more if they were called cinnamon fries. I used to work there, but that was a long time ago. Hm, was that before or after the Comcast job? I think it was after I worked on that goat farm upstate..."

Stanley continued to ramble about the different jobs he had, and the Insecticons looked at each other wondering when it would be an appropriate time to tell him to shut up. Finally, after Stanley started rambling about a job he had at a computer store Shrapnel finally exclaimed "Shut up up!"

"Huh? Oh, sorry," Stanley replied sheepishly, "So, I guess you're gonna eat me now, huh? Could you make it quick? I don't want to think about the pain or have enough time for people to start calling me Stumpy because my legs are missing."

"We've talked about it over our comm system," Bombshell explained to the terrified human, "And we have decided to go to this Taco Ball place."

"Taco _Bell_ ," Stanley corrected, and ducked his head down when they glared at him, "Um, sorry."

"If there is enough food there for us as well, we will let you live," Bombshell announced, and Stanley softly shouted "Yes!" as he pumped his fist excitedly.

"They serve enough stoners that there's no way they won't stock enough food for you guys," Stanley declared.

* * *

It took a couple hours to fly to the nearest Taco Bell. Unfortunately Stanley didn't get to ride in a shuttle this time. Instead he was forced to ride on top of Shrapnel's insect alt mode between his helm and his wings. The wind stung Stanley's eyes and he had the worst case of windswept hair (and beard) ever. To be fair though, part of him did enjoy riding on top of a giant insect across the wide blue ocean. If they didn't want to eat him it would've been an incredible experience.

"Over there, that's Taco Bell," Stanley announced as he pointed to the place in question.

"That's _it_?" Kickback asked in disappointment, "That building is so tiny! There's no way there's enough food in there!"

"Just give them a chance," Stanley pleaded, "At least let me get some, anyway."

The Insecticons and Stanley landed behind the line of cars at the drive-thru. Stanley was worried these three brutes would rip open the side of the building and destroy everything in sight, but he was surprised to see they were waiting single file behind the line of cars. A car even pulled up behind Kickback, who was at the back of the line. Stanley sat on top of Shrapnel and didn't say a word, though he couldn't help but think this was one of the most surreal experiences he had seen, and he was Soundwave's pet!

"What should we order order?" Shrapnel asked Stanley.

"Just read the menu and see what you like," Stanley replied, "Uh, you can read, right?"

"Of course we can read you imbecile imbecile!" Shrapnel snapped offendedly.

Stanley gulped and didn't say another word. He didn't want to tick off his captors any more than he already had so far.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Shrapnel scuttled up to the drive-thru speaker. Stanley wasn't so much surprised as concerned when Shrapnel ordered the staff to start making everything on the menu in as much quantity as they possibly could. Of course the lady at the speaker thought it was a prank and started telling them off, but that attitude quickly changed when Shrapnel ran up to the nearest window and screeched his demands to the helpless teenager that was working the pay window.

Once the staff understood they were dealing with Decepticons they were suddenly very compliant. Soon sacks and sacks of food were coming out the door to the awaiting Insecticons. Stanley would check the bags to see what he wanted, and if he didn't take the bag he would hand it to one of the hungry bugs. Before long all four non-paying customers were sitting together in the parking lot chowing down on everything from beefy cheesy tacos to guacamole salad bowls. Stanley even tried to throw some of the food in the air and catch it in his mouth. That ended up with a cheese quesadilla being splattered all over his face.

"This is going to eat through my tank lining," Kickback commented as he downed his 20th bag of burritos.

"There isn't enough enough," Shrapnel huffed.

"Hey, anybody got churros?" Stanley asked, and Bombshell handed him a bag, "Thanks, man."

As the four of them continued to scarf down more and more food, suddenly there was a shadow cast over them. The Insecticons and Stanley looked up to see Soundwave standing above them with his servos on his hips and a glaring glow to his visor.

"Insecticons: surrender the human," Soundwave ordered forcefully.

"Hey, don't look at us us," Shrapnel replied as he held his servos up placatingly, " _He_ was the one that wanted to come here."

Soundwave then looked down at Stanley, who smiled guiltily at him; revealing bits of beef and lettuce between his teeth.

"Stanley: explain," Soundwave demanded.

"Uh...You know, this kind of reminds me of how we first met," Stanley simpered as he tried to surreptitiously stuff nacho chips and churros in his pocket, "Good times, sir. Good times."

Soundwave abruptly picked Stanley up, and the suddenly action coupled with a stomach full of tacos caused Stanley to throw up all over the parking lot. Soundwave didn't even slow down as he flew away with Stanley wrapped around his fist.

The good news was Stanley had been saved from being eaten and got to eat good food once again. The bad news was that Soundwave was probably going to dismantle the doggie door forever.

* * *

 _Author's Note: I'm not sponsored by Taco Bell, but be honest, it seems like the kind of place Stanley would go :P_


	8. Now You Don't

_Author's Notes: This is my first week of trying a new update schedule, and it's a good start since I have two stories to update this week (three if you include yesterday's). I'm not sure if this chapter is funny enough, but I thought it worked from a progression standpoint. Well, that and I wanted an excuse to finally have an Autobot show up. LOL! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I hope you will also review :)_

* * *

Chapter 8

Now You Don't

Rumble and Frenzy heard that Soundwave had managed to find Stanley safe and sound. After learning about the Insecticons stealing their pet human the duo was naturally worried about those overgrown cockroaches taking a bite out of their little guy's flesh. Those Insecticons simply had no class at all.

When the cassette twins made it back in their room they saw that the doggie door had been nailed shut and that Stanley was sitting under a wire waste basket with a rock weighing it down so he couldn't tip it over and escape. He had his arms crossed and was pouting like a child in time out.

"Geez, what happened to you, flesh bag?" Frenzy asked as he appraised Stanley's new prison.

"Soundwave had to pick me up from Taco Bell," Stanley grumbled, "It's a long story."

"But you were kidnapped," Rumble pointed out, "Why are you in trouble?"

"I threw up all over Soundwave on the way home," Stanley explained, "Taco Bell and high altitude _do not_ mix."

The twins of course started laughing at Stanley's situation, but the skinny human didn't think it was so funny. That was probably his last chance to get fast food ever and it involved killer bugs and puking all over Soundwave. Not exactly the best send-off for his life as a free man. He was just glad Soundwave didn't decide to turn him into Flat Stanley for upchucking all over Soundwave's visor during the flight.

"So I guess that means we can't play with you right now?" Rumble asked, and Stanley glared at him, "Eh, too bad. We was gonna stick you in a rowboat and skid you across the water to see how far we could throw you."

"Glad I'm missing that," Stanley replied honestly, "You could throw Ravage though."

"He hates water," Frenzy told him, but then with a sly smirk said, "Let's do it!"

"Heh heh, good idea, partner in crime," Rumble chuckled with a devilish grin of his own.

The twins ran off together, leaving Stanley alone under the trash basket to think about what he did. What a stupid concept. Stanley _knew_ what he did. He threw up all over a deadly Decepticon warrior and got away with it with nothing but a time out. When Stanley thought about it that way, he suddenly realized how much power he held in the Decepticon ranks. Soundwave wouldn't hurt him, and no one else was allowed to hurt him because he belonged to Soundwave. When he got out he wondered if he should pull some pranks to slow down the Decepticons' whole taking-over-the-world agenda.

Stanley sat around for about 20 minutes thinking about all sorts of different stunts he could pull. He thought about dumping some of their energon down the drains of the wash racks, but the doggie door was shut tight. Besides, he didn't want them to starve. He just wanted them to stop attacking humans. When he thought about it that way, he realized pranks wouldn't actually achieve that goal.

He tried to think of how to get the Decepticons to leave humans alone. He didn't really feel comfortable talking to Soundwave. Despite living there for who-knows-how-long Stanley didn't really have conversations with Soundwave. He would occasionally talk to Rumble, Frenzy, or Ratbat, but that was it. He was a pet. He was property. He wasn't actually Soundwave's friend.

Stanley realized then that if he wanted his word to be taken seriously around here that he would need to try to form a connection with Soundwave. He needed to stop acting like a lazy house cat and start acting like a peer.

Stanley's thoughts were suddenly interrupted when he heard someone knock against the nightstand by Soundwave's berth and heard a soft quiet "Ow!". Stanley looked to see who it was, but he didn't see anyone there. That was weird. Maybe it was one of the bird cassettes and he just couldn't see them from his vantage point.

That thought was dispelled when Stanley saw the computer turn on by itself, and then saw the keyboard typing under its own power. It was a ghost! Stanley was trapped in the room and it was being haunted by a ghost! He was so frozen with fear that he couldn't even scream, yet oddly enough he wondered if the ghost was searching for anything dirty on that computer.

"Come on, it has to be here somewhere..." The disembodied voice muttered.

Stanley was definitely freaked out now. There was a robotic sounding ghost in Soundwave's room, and Stanley was trapped with no way out. Part of him wanted to believe it was just the cassettes playing a joke on him, another part thought he was going to die, and a tiny part of him wondered if robots even had ghosts. Maybe it was like Bender on Futurama and he had been downloaded into the room or something like that.

"I can't believe it," The alleged ghost spat in contempt, "These firewalls are certainly well encrypted. Hm...perhaps I can find some physical files detailing Megatron's latest schemes..."

Why would a ghost want that information? Did it need evidence of wrongdoing before haunting Megatron or something? Despite his terror Stanley was starting to feel curious about this strange turn of events. He couldn't stand it anymore. He had to say something before the apparition started officially haunting them.

"Why do you need data files, spirit?" Stanley asked from his spot under the waste basket.

There was a gasp, and for once it wasn't from Stanley. At first no one answered, and Stanley wondered if he had frightened the phantom away, but then...

"A human prisoner?" The ghost asked in shock, "Don't worry, I'll get you to safety."

Suddenly the air in front of Soundwave's desk wavered, and where there had been nothing now stood a tall Cybertronian, dark blue with white accents and blue optics. Stanley saw the red Autobot sigil on the intruder and realized that this was no ghost at all, but rather an Autobot spy.

The waste bin was lifted away from Stanley and the robot ever so carefully picked Stanley up and placed him gently on his servo. Stanley was used to being carried around in a fist like an ice cream cone, so this felt different. It was a good kind of different though.

"Why have the Decepticons captured you, sir?" The Autobot asked him, using a tone of respect Stanley wasn't used to hearing from either Decepticons or other humans, "What do you have that Megatron wants?"

"Uh...nothing," Stanley replied uncertainly while scratching his head, "Soundwave kind of likes it when I help him clean. I guess I'm here because Rumble and Frenzy thought it would be funny. From their perspective it probably is."

"Have they harmed you?" The Autobot asked in alarm.

"Soundwave put me in time out for throwing up on his visor," Stanley replied matter-of-factly, "For the most part I've been okay though. The food stinks though. Seriously dude, don't eat the nutrition bricks. They taste like chalk mixed with tiny bits of metal and concrete. I wouldn't be surprised if they were."

"Well it's all over now," The Autobot assured him, "I'm going to take you home."

"But I am home," Stanley contested, "I live here."

"No, I mean your real home," The Autobot replied.

"Um, yeah, this is it," Stanley blandly argued, "I live here. I'm Soundwave's pet."

If the Autobot's optics could've bugged out they probably would have. He looked down at the tiny man in his hand with a mixture of horror and skepticism.

"Soundwave keeps you as a _pet_?" The Autobot asked in disgust, "He forces you to serve as his entertainment like some sort of trained cyberhound? That is no way for a sentient being to live!"

"Yeah, but it's like those animals say on The Flintstones: It's a living," Stanley replied cheekily, "Seriously, you don't have to worry about me. In fact, you should probably stick me back under the basket. Soundwave will get mad if I leave without thinking about what I did. Real talk though, isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever heard of? _Thinking_ about what I did? I mean, I know what I did. I'm not four years old."

"You really want to stay here with the Decepticons?" The Autobot asked incredulously as he sat down on Soundwave's berth.

"Why not?" Stanley shrugged, "I don't have anywhere else to go, and it's not as bad as you'd think. I like the cassettes, except maybe the birds. Buzzsaw and Laserbeak can be real jerks sometimes. I dunno. I mean, I'd like to think I could have more in life than this, but then again I also like not worrying about things like rent, appearances, living paycheck to paycheck, and all that. I guess what I'm trying to say is, my options are be a pet or be a bum. At least this way no humans can see my humiliation."

"But that makes you a traitor to your planet!" The Autobot declared heatedly, "Do you know what the Decepticons would do if we Autobots weren't here to stop them?"

"Steal energy like they're already doing?" Stanley snarked, but then wilted under the Autobot's intense gaze, "Sorry."

"Soundwave is dangerous," The Autobot warned him, "He is efficient and ruthless. If he ever feels you are a threat he will not hesitate to terminate you."

"Then the solution is obvious," Stanley replied, "Just never be a threat."

The Autobot sighed and shook his helm hopelessly. He had never met a human like this before. Sure, there were humans that worked with Megatron. There was the evil Dr. Arkeville, there was Shawn Berger, and there was that crime syndicate in Saudi Arabia. All of these humans had one thing in common; they all wanted power. The humans thought Megatron could give them power over a new world or even their old one. This human however, he was different. He was lazy, docile, and apparently suffering from a form of attachment to his captor. He didn't quite know what to make of it.

"So, you were looking for Soundwave's files?" Stanley asked, forcing the Autobot out of his own thoughts, "He keeps them behind that wall. You just remove the panel from the inseams in the wall."

"You're helping me?" The Autobot asked suspiciously, "But you said you were loyal to Soundwave. Why would you aid an Autobot?"

"Because I don't want the earth to blow up," Stanley reasoned, "I'm Soundwave's pet, but I still care about the planet. It's not like I want the human race destroyed or enslaved. I just like sleeping late and having my meals delivered to me...even if those meals taste like petrified tree bark."

"I do not understand you at all," The Autobot sighed, "By the way, what is your name? I need to know for my report."

"Stanley, and yours?"

"Mirage."

"Cool," Stanley commented approvingly, "Just like that chick on The Incredibles."

Mirage grumbled under his breath but didn't comment further on the human's words. He had no idea if there were other humans that felt like Stanley, but he hoped not. It would make the Autobots' jobs harder if the Decepticons started turning a huge swath of the population into domesticated pussycats.

Without wasting anymore time, Mirage went to pull the wall away where the physical files for Megatron's plans were stored. He tried to pry it away, but he was having difficulty. Mirage then gathered up all his strength and heaved with all his might! He finally pulled the wall's metal casing away, but all he saw was a series of wires and support beams.

"That was the wrong wall," Stanley remarked casually, and Mirage turned to glare at him, "It's the one to the right of where you pulled before."

Mirage bit back a groan and went to pull the other wall away. It gave quite easily, and Mirage saw that Stanley was right about the data pads being hidden within the makeshift safe. Knowing time was of the essence, Mirage quickly started shoving the data pads into his subspace. Stanley, who was sitting on the berth, just watched the scene with mild bemusement.

This went on for a few precious minutes, but then Mirage picked up the energy signature of Soundwave. He was heading for his quarters! Mirage had to act now!

Mirage put both walls back where he found them and scrambled for an exit, but found none. His only hope was that turning invisible would save him from Soundwave's scans, so that's what he did.

"Uh, hey? Mirage?" Stanley whispered, sensing the urgency, "You forgot to put me back in my time out trash can."

Mirage hated forcing the human back into such a degrading state, but he knew if he didn't want Soundwave to get suspicious he would have to leave the room exactly as he found it. He quickly grabbed Stanley and placed him on the floor. He then put the waste basket back over him and the rock back over the waste basket. Just as he finished this, Soundwave came in. Mirage could only hope his camouflage ability would be enough to save him.

Stanley played it cool while Soundwave searched his computer files, not even sure if Mirage was still in the room or not. He hoped the Autobot escaped. He knew the Autobots were the good guys, and he didn't want to see anyone get hurt because he held the mech up by talking to him. Soundwave typed on his computer for a few minutes, and then glanced down at Stanley.

"Autobot intruder has invaded the Nemesis," Soundwave explained while staring at the computer screen, "Search in progress. Stanley, report."

"Uh...I haven't seen anything," Stanley lied, "Maybe you could try the throne room. It sounds like a good place to, haha, _dump_ some intel."

Stanley snickered at his own immature joke, and Soundwave didn't waste any processing power trying to understand the human. When Soundwave was satisfied that his files had not been penetrated, he left to report back to Megatron. Right after Soundwave's door closed, the walls fell back down exposing the fritzing wires and empty safe. Stanley chuckled nervously to himself, knowing that would require one heck of an explanation later. Maybe he'd take this time to think about what he did...


End file.
